A Year of Firsts

What to blog about tonight? Not really too sure what I feel like blogging about. I'm in a blah mood tonight and it is nothing to do with the weather.  There are so many things I could blog about. What it has been like to going through my eldest daughters break-up with her after her boyfriend of almost a year and she broke up. How my biological parents located me after 40 years. How we just booked our March Break trip to Bahamas. How fantastic a photographer my youngest daughter is. But at the end of it all, I keep coming back to my Mum. Everything comes back to her. The only problem is, she is not here anymore. Cancer got her, August 10th, while my younger brother and sister-in-law watched her take her last breath.

Today was my first day off in nine days, like every other day off I have while hubby is at work and the girls are at school, I woke up thinking about how I better call Mum to see what adventures we would get up to today. What was I thinking? She has been gone for almost two months. It was the same the first day I returned to work. Got to check my voice mail, I know there will be a message from her, I thought, there always is, but there wasn't. As we approach Thanksgiving, I am partly dreading it, the first holiday dinner without her. The next year promises to be a year of firsts, but not good firsts, our firsts without Mum. And that thought truly saddens me.  But I will put on a brave face for the sake of my family.

Tomorrow is a new day though. Along with my brothers, I will go back to one of my favourite childhood restaurants. Whenever a birthday rolled around, we could count on Mum to take us there. I have not been in almost 30 years, but I am sure the memories and tears will start to flow while we are there. Good tears though, remember memories of Mum.

 Mum and my girls in Beverly Hills, California August 2014

Tap on the shoulder.

"I will always be around. When you feel someone tap your shoulder and no one is there, you will know it me."  Mum says, trying to comfort me. I should be the one trying to comfort her, as my Mum is dying, she has terminal cancer. 

The diagnosis is new, fully explained yesterday, so this is still very raw for me. So many questions are running through my head. Why was this not caught earlier? Mum had many doctor visits, over the last year, that all seem to be tied to her cancer. How do we explain this to our children?  We knew she has cancer earlier, but she had the tumours removed and was on the road to recovery. After the surgery, my 10 year old Kendal had a melt down sobbing "What if my Nana dies? What if she doesn't get better?"  Later that same night, I read a text Marley wrote to a friend, talking about how she was afraid that  her Nana would not be at her high school grad or Kendals grade school grad. My Mum has been that grandparent that attends every school show, concert or play that my girls are in. How the hell are we going to tell them that one of their biggest fans is not going to be there to see all of their accomplishments?

The biggest question for me is what will I do without that cute, crazy, naïve, no filter, wacky, best friend of mine?  The answer to that remains to be seen.  I guess I will just have to wait for that tap on my shoulder where there is no one to be found.

I love you Mum. xoxox

Picture from our trip to Cuba January 2014.

No Brady, it's not from a box!

"What do I do Mom?" Marley asks holding a tomato in one hand and a red onion in the other. 

"Chop them, plus the garlic. Then put them into the bowl, with some pepper and cilantro and mix it up. "

As with any teen, she can still continue to text, having a conversation with her boyfriend.  He inquires about what we are making. "Tacos" she texts him , "We are making Tacos!" Chop, chop chop, away she goes.  On the bbq go the marinated steak and chicken. Kendal sets the table, corn tortillas, coleslaw, fresh chopped cilantro, guacamole and fresh lime to top the tacos off!

"You making tacos? Like from a box" Brady inquires, thinking no way Marley can actually cook.

"No, I can cook you know!! "

She can, and here is the finished product

 That's ok Brady, you just continue to think Marley can not cook.