A Year of Firsts

What to blog about tonight? Not really too sure what I feel like blogging about. I'm in a blah mood tonight and it is nothing to do with the weather.  There are so many things I could blog about. What it has been like to going through my eldest daughters break-up with her after her boyfriend of almost a year and she broke up. How my biological parents located me after 40 years. How we just booked our March Break trip to Bahamas. How fantastic a photographer my youngest daughter is. But at the end of it all, I keep coming back to my Mum. Everything comes back to her. The only problem is, she is not here anymore. Cancer got her, August 10th, while my younger brother and sister-in-law watched her take her last breath.

Today was my first day off in nine days, like every other day off I have while hubby is at work and the girls are at school, I woke up thinking about how I better call Mum to see what adventures we would get up to today. What was I thinking? She has been gone for almost two months. It was the same the first day I returned to work. Got to check my voice mail, I know there will be a message from her, I thought, there always is, but there wasn't. As we approach Thanksgiving, I am partly dreading it, the first holiday dinner without her. The next year promises to be a year of firsts, but not good firsts, our firsts without Mum. And that thought truly saddens me.  But I will put on a brave face for the sake of my family.

Tomorrow is a new day though. Along with my brothers, I will go back to one of my favourite childhood restaurants. Whenever a birthday rolled around, we could count on Mum to take us there. I have not been in almost 30 years, but I am sure the memories and tears will start to flow while we are there. Good tears though, remember memories of Mum.

 Mum and my girls in Beverly Hills, California August 2014

Tap on the shoulder.

"I will always be around. When you feel someone tap your shoulder and no one is there, you will know it me."  Mum says, trying to comfort me. I should be the one trying to comfort her, as my Mum is dying, she has terminal cancer. 

The diagnosis is new, fully explained yesterday, so this is still very raw for me. So many questions are running through my head. Why was this not caught earlier? Mum had many doctor visits, over the last year, that all seem to be tied to her cancer. How do we explain this to our children?  We knew she has cancer earlier, but she had the tumours removed and was on the road to recovery. After the surgery, my 10 year old Kendal had a melt down sobbing "What if my Nana dies? What if she doesn't get better?"  Later that same night, I read a text Marley wrote to a friend, talking about how she was afraid that  her Nana would not be at her high school grad or Kendals grade school grad. My Mum has been that grandparent that attends every school show, concert or play that my girls are in. How the hell are we going to tell them that one of their biggest fans is not going to be there to see all of their accomplishments?

The biggest question for me is what will I do without that cute, crazy, naïve, no filter, wacky, best friend of mine?  The answer to that remains to be seen.  I guess I will just have to wait for that tap on my shoulder where there is no one to be found.

I love you Mum. xoxox

Picture from our trip to Cuba January 2014.

No Brady, it's not from a box!

"What do I do Mom?" Marley asks holding a tomato in one hand and a red onion in the other. 

"Chop them, plus the garlic. Then put them into the bowl, with some pepper and cilantro and mix it up. "

As with any teen, she can still continue to text, having a conversation with her boyfriend.  He inquires about what we are making. "Tacos" she texts him , "We are making Tacos!" Chop, chop chop, away she goes.  On the bbq go the marinated steak and chicken. Kendal sets the table, corn tortillas, coleslaw, fresh chopped cilantro, guacamole and fresh lime to top the tacos off!

"You making tacos? Like from a box" Brady inquires, thinking no way Marley can actually cook.

"No, I can cook you know!! "

She can, and here is the finished product

 That's ok Brady, you just continue to think Marley can not cook.

My return......

While having our nightly two minute conversation, yes its about it, it was brought to my attention by my extremely tactful hubby, that maybe I have not been spending enough time on myself. Gee thanks Jackass, what exactly are you trying to say? Now granted that when we met, Lollapalooza was a travellying tour, not a one stop show, and ripped jeans with knees and ass hanging out were the norm, Bill Clinton was elected, things have changed I have changed. We have both changed and now we are four and time is not so available anymore. So as my hubby so eloquently told me, I think I will spend some more time on me, on here! Stay posted, I will be posting about my journey about being found, what a ride that was. So thanks hubby for pointing out that I do need to do more for me, not quite what you had in mind though was it dear???

I write this in the aftermath of Canadian fashion model Coco Rocha being described as too fat for the runaway, at a mere size four. I wonder what are we teaching our young girls, or our adults for that matter, which is why I decided to write about jean shopping with Marley.

I will tell you Marley LOVES herself, sees herself as perfect, we often joke that no one loves her more than herself! I adore that about her. If there is a mirror she is admiring herself.

Four summers ago, it was decided that my daughters and I would make a weekend out of back to school shopping, we booked a hotel and off we went, shopping for new school clothes, something I used to love when I was younger. We were having a great time, girls only, no Dad allowed. Marley who was 7 at the time, had a few new shirts, a spectacular pink and blue plaid blazer and some new shoes. It was time to try and find some jeans, her favourite thing to wear. She like her father, is abit on the petite side, short if you will, but her waist is normal size for her age. Old Navy, Gap, the Children's Place, came and went and nothing. Sensing her defeat, it was decided that we would it a day, got back to the hotel for a swim, we did have tomoorow to find something. So through Sears to the parking lot we ventured. Just as we approached the exit, I noticed a rack of girls jeans. Marley searched and found a few pairs she wanted to try on. The only change room we could find was the ladies, and as I had a stroller with Kendal in it, we waited at the enterance to the change room, and off Marley went. After each pair she tried on, out she came to model them, and dicuss if we had found a winner or not. Pair one, YES!! Pair to, not so much, pair three, we were checking the waist, so she lifted her shirt to her belly button.
Just then a lady walked out and exclaimed with disgust, well she needs to go on a diet, doesn't she and walked away. I was shocked, I wish I had processed that a bit sooner, before I realized exactly what she had said, she was gone. My daughter got upset, cause that lady thinks I am fat, she proclaimed. SO I ask, if we as individuals can not get it right, why should we expect the fashion industry too??

I could go off and defend the way I raise my kids, their food consumption and what have you, but this is not the focus here. There i have said my piece and I feel better already!

Really?? For real??

Well, it is October now and with October came fall. It has been quite cool the last few days, making me not so jovial. The only good thing about fall is the fashions, love 'em, it is my fav time to shop for clothing. Getting back to my disliking of fall, lets just say I was not in a good mood yesterday, it was damn cold!
After putting in my eight hours yesterday, I rushed to get the girls picked up and off to gymnastics class. Running late, we sprinted to the changeroom were my youngest tore off her clothes like a madwoman, throwing her new runners on top of her pile of jeans, socks and jacket. Off she ran to jump, twirl and roll and around the gym, while my other daughter and I watched.
One hour and one very sweating kid later, off to collect her clothes. Laughing with another mom, jr gets dressed. Thinking she is all finished, there is nothing left in her cubby, I proceed to usher the girls out, until the she screams, "but I don't have my shoes on". What a dumbass I am, I think to myslef, so we go back, to find NO SHOES!! Seriously, they were gone, and seriuosly, I was pissed! Not because they were her new shoes, but because I can not understand, who do that?? Really, to steal a pair of 5 yr olds shoes?? First I thought they were just misplaced, but ofter scouring the whole gym, they were gone. SInce we had dinner plans with hubby who was already wating at the restaraunt, I had to carry her through the gym, to the car, then to the restaraunt.
So here I am this morning, still pissed. Just a note to whoever took them, wondering why you left the jeans and coat, did your you conscience get the better of you? Well I guess I get the last laugh"Asshat", the coat and jeans were worth more money!?!

Bubble Trouble

Here goes, my first post! To be honest I was not sure what I was going to write about, and then it happened.

My five year old was in the bath this morning, I left her for a few minutes (yes I am vying for Mother of the Year), she called me to help her out when she was finished, which she can usually handle alonne. While on my way to the bathroom, I asked why she needed me to help today, she replied that she was all bubbly. As I entered the bathroom, I saw my a bubbly outline of my child, she had dumped a whole bottle of bath gel, into the bath because she wanted a bubble bath! By the look in her face, I think she thought I was going to get mad, but all I could do was laugh! Once rinsed off, I asked her why she has dumped in the WHOLE bottle, as she knew she did not need it all, at first she claimed to not know how much to use when asked again, I got "ok, Mom I kinda did"! SO i will be taking one squeaky clean, old lady smelling (it was lavander or rose or something of the sort) child to school soon!

Please be kind as this is my first stab at this!